To Buy Or Not To Buy... That Is The Question

To buy or not to buy... that is the question. I don't even want to know how much money I've actually spent over these 12 years of parenting on educational supplies. I'm a compulsive book buyer. We have flash cards, we have CD-Roms, we have workbooks and board games... not a whole lot of it has proven to raise my kids' grades signifigantly. So, when a telemarketer called me this morning to guilt me into try to sell me a CD-ROM system that supposedly raises your child's IQ by at least 30 points and brings them up 2 letter grades, I was both intrigued and skeptical. I had already spent an insane amount of money on something similiar just this summer. I had been planning on going to Sylvan, but this program was less expensive and we could use it in the comfort of our own home (Sylvan is a 40 minute drive away a few times a week after all.) I figured if it didn't work out we could always resort to Sylvan after we tried this other program. Well, school is now in session and we never did go to Sylvan. That isn't to say that the other program was so amazing that we didn't need to. I just didn't feel like it would work motivated to try yet another thing after so many other things hadn't gotten results.

Each Friday all the kids bring home progress reports and a certain someone continues to decorate his progress reports with a certain letter that starts the words Flaky and Fragile and Fail. I have NO idea what to do about this. I've tried SO hard. I read to him diligently from birth on. He grew up watching Sesame Street and Between The Lions and Magic School Bus. Like I said, we've invested in just about every educational product that we came across, especially the ones that are supposed to "trick" you into learning by making it into something fun (like a computer game.) Even my shower curtain is a giant world map (you never know what you might subconciously learn while in the bathroom after all.) I have FOUR kids and I've parented them all the same. They all have access to the same books & products & discipline. Yet, they all have different strengths and weaknesses. I have one kid pulling in straight A+'s and complaining he's bored and another that has such poor grades that we celebrate when he gets C's. Speaking of celebrating, we've also tried a variety of reward & incentive programs. None of them seemed to be rewarding enough / effective.

So... when the phone rang and this gentleman (who was a fabulous salesman, BTW) worked to convince me that I would be a horrible mother if I didn't give him a debit card number so that my kids could become genius rocket scientists that win the Nobel Prize,I didn't know what to think or feel. What do you think, educated reader? Haven't I spent enough moolah over the years in this department? If the school can't get him to learn and all these other products can't get through to him either... why should this one be any different? Or... maybe, just maybe I SHOULD get it. Maybe I should sell a kidney or something so that I can afford to hire the world's best tutors and buy every educational CD-ROM in the english language and a couple of french & spanish ones for good measure? What would you do?

My Children Want To Change the World One Toothbrush At a Time

Okay, I now know that my children are officially mine. Sure, I remember the morning sickness and labor. I see that Tatton has my teeth and Russell has my eyes. The stamp that sealed the deal though was when they came together to create a "forum" to get rid of toothpaste in our household. Now, I know that children all over America are probably lobbying right now to skip the brushing part of their day. My kids don't want to stop brushing their teeth though. They simply want to make an informed decision to switch to baking soda.

As Tatton puts it, "Toothpaste has so many chemicals in it that it should be illegal and we're putting it in our MOUTHS!" Cracks me up. He really thought this through too, considering that he pointed out that we have a prescription for fluoride from the dentist so they wouldn't be missing out on flouride by skipping toothpaste altogether. He told me that baking soda is cheaper and that the box that the baking soda comes in is more enviromentally friendly than the toothpaste tubes. I totally agreed with all of this.

I had to mention one small detail though: baking soda doesn't taste so good. His response? "We can deal with it." And they have. They've been brushing their teeth more now than they did when we were using their kid-friendly bubble mint concoction. (New things are always more fun no matter how nasty they taste, I guess.) The one problem that Tatton has found is that he now feels the need to be the "spitting" police and watches his younger siblings like a hawk to make sure they don't swallow too much baking soda. He's worried about their sodium levels. Yep, these eccentric, paranoid, clutzy but with a brain full of trivia children are officially mine.

Hero Support

I have to say something slightly controversial. Personally, I don't see WHY it should be controversial as it only effects my little world. The funny thing about statements like this though is that when you say them, the responses you get are a mix of shock and incredulous disagreement like everyone is sure you can't be serious or maybe you need a straight jacket.

Here goes: I know my purpose in life and it's not to be a superwoman but simply to be Hero Support. There. I said it.

It seems like there's this pressure from all directions for everyone to be so goal oriented and successful and that's wonderful to an extent. Let's not forget the whole everything in moderation thing though. You see, the reality, folks... is that we can't ALL be superheroes. The reason for that is that superheroes wouldn't be able to do everything they do without their trusty sidekick. They would be utterly lost! At the risk of sounding conceited, I'm going to admit that I believe I have the tools to be a superhero. I just choose not to employ them full time because I'd rather be happy. Nothing makes me as happy as being the one behind the scenes making sure my heroes have what they need to succeed. I'm not at peace otherwise.

I started thinking about this yesterday afternoon when I was hanging a series of pictures I had taken of various nature scenes in the Pacific Northwest. I was telling my kids how cool it was the way that everything in nature has an order and purpose. I have a photo from Lake Quinault that illustrates how the elk maintain the openness of the rainforest by browsing out brush and saplings, which in turn encourages the growth of herbaceous ground cover such as oxalis and violets (the pretty stuff.) The old dead trees are aging gracefully as new life in the form of saplings and ferns are springing from them. In general, the abundance of dead wood and the complex structure of the forest canopy create an enormous number of ecological niches for animals and birds. I'm in awe of the Sitka spruce. Do you realize that it only grows within 20 miles of the ocean because the fog that rolls in off the Pacific is critical since it can't control the amount of water that it loses to transpiration itself? Sure, you could probably go the rest of your life without knowing any of that and be okay. I think it's amzing though. EVERYTHING has a purpose.

There are lots of things that I'm good at, lots of hats that I could wear in this life. I don't think that any of them have ever felt as RIGHT as when I'm serving in my roles as mom and wife. I'm TIRED of people starting conversations off with "What do you do?" Even when I tell them what I do at my actual "Job" I don't feel like I've told them anything about me. When I try to explain that I feel like I was born to raise kids I typically hear, "But what do you do to feel fulfilled?" "What about you? Don't you take care of yourself?" Of course, I do. It's just that when I go out and try to accompish some big thing that I can point to and say, "I did that!" I don't really feel like I've done anything to be proud of. It's an empty sense of faux-satisfaction.

I honestly believe that no matter what career path I went down or what amount of money or fame I got along the way, nothing could ever make me feel so complete as making my kids their favorite snack while they tell me about their day or rubbing my husbands shoulders when he's exhausted from the weight of the world. I think the reason Heavenly Father put me on this earth isn't to be a superhero but to do all the little day to day tasks so that someone whose life I touch can do what they need to do. Like the decaying tree in the forest, I think I'm aging gracefully and continually contributing so the circle of life can go on and really... that's all I ever need.

Conversation From the Backseat

Lately, I’ve been cracking up at some of the things that I hear my kids talking about when we’re driving down the road. I thought I’d just tell you a few conversations that I overheard this week.
background: There’s a commercial on the radio for some medication. As we listen to the typical "possible side effects may include but are not limited to... headaches, constipation, priapism....women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant should not use this medication...."
Lane says, "Women who may become pregnant? Why don’t they just say women can’t use this medicine since women can get pregnant?"
Tatton says, "Cause it’s still okay for some women to take it."
Lane, "Not if they’ve gone through puberty, Dude. Well... I guess if they went through menopause..."
Tatton, "Un-uh!! Haven’t you ever heard of a geriatric pregnancy?"
Lane, "What the heck is geriatric, Dude?"
Tatton, "You know, like old people and stuff."
Lane, "Old people don’t have babies, man!"
Tatton, "but they’re allowed to. They can adopt."
Lane, "That doesn’t mean they can’t take this medicine, stupid!"
I had a really hard time keeping quiet. Who knew my kids knew so much? Or even cared enough about the subject to discuss it? LOL

Then, of course, there was the debate on child labor. We were driving to the dollar store when I was informed:
Tatton: "You know, it’s kinda evil that you shop here."
Lane: "Shut Up! It is not! Evil is like killing people and stuff."
Tatton: "Well, it’s impossible to buy stuff that cheap without ripping someone else off."
Lane: "The store would make the price higher if they couldn’t afford it. Lots of people shop there so they make lots of money."
Tatton: "Not the store! Don’t you know there are kids our age making this stuff for like less than the price of a candy bar a month!"
Lane: "Prove it."
Tatton: "Duh. Everyone knows."
Lane: "I think it’s an urban legend. like cow tipping."
Tatton: "Why do you think all of the other countries hate us?"
Lane: "They don’t even know me."
Tatton: "Not YOU! I mean, America!"
Lane: "Oh, that’s just cause we’re trying to catch the terrorists."
Tatton: "That sentence didn’t even make sense! Do you watch ANYTHING besides Nickelodeon, Dude?!"
Lane: "Duh! The Simpsons! That’s on Fox."
I can’t decide whether to just laugh at them or to try to get them an audition at CNN.

And last, (for now):
Brooke: "Mom- Do I HAVE to get married when I grow up?"
Me: "No, you don’t HAVE to. You’ll have to figure that out when you get there, Sweety."
Brooke: "Well, I don’t wanna."
Lane: "You have to or you’ll be one of those crazy cat ladies."
Brooke: "Un-huh! Mom said I didn’t have to!"
Tatton: "I like cats."
Brooke: "If you don’t get married are you allowed to have dogs?"
Lane: "Duh- of course."
Brooke: "I might get a horse, too."
Tatton: "But married people have horses too."
Brooke: "Well, I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. It hurts to get your belly skin stretched out."
Lane: "I thought all girls wanted to have kids."
Tatton: "And expensive weddings."
Lane: "Unless you get married in Vegas. Elvis is cheap."
Tatton: "But people lose money gambling, so that’s expensive."
Brooke: "Lilo & stitch like Elvis."
That’s some of the dialogue from our car...
If you notice, Russell wasn’t involved in any of these conversations. That’s because Russell is more of the strong, silent type (unlike the rest of my blabber-mouths that go on... and on... and on...) I’ve thought several times that if we had been Jews hiding from Nazis, Russell would probably have been the only one of my kids to survive. I would have accidentally smothered the rest in an effort to silence them.