Thursday, October 23, 2008

Beyond My Control

       So, yesterday I did not one but TWO cheerful, Pollyanna style posts. I guess that means that today it's okay to vent a little. You see, while yesterday was in fact a good day with home improvements that didn't cost me anything and a weight being lifted off of my shoulders after a fabulous parent-teacher conference, there was some major stress inducing stuff too. So stress inducing in fact, that I had a really hard time going to sleep and am sporting a killer migraine and an upset stomach.

      In the AM, what had me feeling spastic (besides the diet pills) was that Lane had told me the night before that he was really concerned about one of his friends at school. Lane was upset because his friend has been talking about suicide a lot & had apparently cut himself with a rusty nail at recess on purpose. He asked me if it was okay to be a tattle-tale if you were protecting someone (which from previous conversations he knows is my rule, but I think he needed permission to ease his mind.) I was so proud of my little man, because he was so insightful and mature about the whole situation. I'm not sure I would have been as capable of handling a friend telling me something like this when I was in the 5th grade. He said, "Mom, I don't really believe he's going to do it. I think he just likes to talk about it for the shock factor, but I think I need to tell the teacher just in case." Then, he asked me if I would be okay with emailing or calling the teacher instead so he wasn't officially the nark. So, I did & hopefully this little boy will be able to get the help that he needs. It's so hard to think that my kids are getting old enough to be involved with this type of thing.

      In the PM, my stress was more associated with my parental units & the fall-out from their rather nasty divorce. Without divulging TOO MANY details, I'll say that I've been trying super hard to not get in the middle of it. I'm a grown-up. They're grown-ups. It should technically be fairly simple. It's hard though, because I see & hear things that just make me want to run in & fix everything (as if that were possible.) Not fix their marriage / get them back together because I don't actually think that's for the best, but fix the pain. I want to fix the hurt feelings & stubbornness that have escalated the situation so severally. I want to erase the financial problems, the worry, and the guilt.

     I'm the oldest child in my family & I have siblings that still live at home with my mom. My little sister is about the same age as my second child. Her world & my kid's world are entirely different though. She knows all too well about the adult world of what happens when you don't have enough money and how you can get attached to people and then have them ripped out of your life. So, when I came home from Cub Scouts & my mom was in front of my house and told me that her car is breaking down, and she lost her food stamp money because my dad said he was paying her child support even though she hasn't gotten any, and now she's getting evicted... It broke my heart. Honestly, there's only so much that I can do though. And when I dropped my kids off at school and I saw my little sister's body language as she bossed a classmate around & I knew that she was feeling like everything was out of control and trying to grasp for some sense of power, it made me feel like I had rocks in my stomach. Not to mention, knowing that someone you love is in pain right on the heels of thinking of a little 11 y/o boy who is hurting isn't really the perspective you want to see it in. While I know that the two situations are different there are enough similiarities to be bothersome.

      The reality is, I have always taken on everyone else's problems and feel like I need to slap a band-aid on everything around me. I know that I can only own myself and be responsible for my own actions though. There's really not a lot of point in worrying myself sick about my kid's friends or even my own extended family further than I can do something about it. That's easier said than done, but really- what else is there to do? If I could, I would... I just wish there was a little less heartbreak in the world. Don't we all?


  1. I'm a social worker, and work with teenagers like your son's friend. We get suicidal teens a lot. In fact, I had a girl come in as a runaway last night, that was suicidal.

    You absolutely did the right thing, and your son is an amazing kid. Many kids won't tell because they don't want their friend to be mad at him.

    Take him out for ice cream! :)

  2. Thanks Kristina! I used to think that I would like to be a social worker, but I don't know that I could handle it. Just look at how situations like these consume me. I don't know how to not get too emotionally involved. You're awesome for the work that you do!

  3. What a brave little man you have with a big, big heart. And how lovely is it that you have such a good relationship with him that he'd feel comfortable talking to you about it. You must be so proud.

  4. it always amazes me the things young kids deal with these days.
    i just don't remember life being this intense when i was 10.
    (wow. now i feel REALLY old)
    you should (and obviously are) be a very proud momma.

  5. I know how you feel. I have the same kinds of situations, and I hate feeling out of control about them. Like I SHOULD be doing something, even though I SHOULDN'T. It's hard to not worry about things like this, and about people you care for, love, or just know are hurting.

    It's amazing that Lane would come to you, and that's one bond you need to keep strong!

    I just keep telling myself to put it in GOD'S hands, and he will prevail. It's hard to see kids suffering like that, and know there's nothing you can physically do. Make sure your sister knows she can count on you, and that you love her unconditionally. I'm sure you already have!!

  6. So sorry things like that are piling up around you! Especially your mom losing her place. But I know you do find ways to help, and your family is really lucky to have you! Hope things get better.

    (and if they don't, I know this great yoga pose...)

  7. Ohhh, oldest child syndrome kicking in here ....I. CANT. STOP. IT. I so feel the need to fix everything for you now! I know how you feel. Love ya Natalie!